Reboot

I’ve decided to reboot my life. I lost my job anyway due to an illness I cannot explain because nobody wants to take me seriously enough to explain it through testing.

I am alone, trying to figure out my health issues. I am alone in all ways, but this is normal for me. I have difficulty trusting individuals due to being lied to over and over again. I have abandonment issues that lead me to abandoning other people before they can do it to me. I have a borderline personality that means every third day, I want to die. I am messed up, in short.

And nobody, anywhere, makes me feel like it’s worth it. To live. I used to believe in humanity but now? I think you’re all monsters trying to take advantage of me. I know that can’t be true because, logically, absolutes are false. So it is impossible for 100% of humanity to want to take advantage of me.

How can one know the good ones from the bad ones? That’s what it boils down to.

Personally, I use a shaman power I’ve decided to name ‘soul sight.’

There is an energy expression inside the human body within the skull somewhere. I’d say it’s about the middle, honestly, but I haven’t exactly measured it — that would be a strange convo. “Can I measure the distance from your forehead to your soul?”

I am not a religious person. I do not believe in souls because of Jesus, The Holy Bible, or because anyone said so. In fact, I usually decide to buck and protest and scream any time a religious anything is put to me. I am an atheist. An atheist that believes in souls.

Some souls are bright and shiny and some are dark and dismal. Some crackle meanly, showing off vanity as the top pursuit, and some are soft like lapping waves at the shoreline.

The soul’s brightness is comprised of a variety of factors and can easily show off someone’s attitude if one is perceptive enough to continuously seek the truth of the soul. Some souls only wish to be seen and do a good job. Those souls are the brightest of all souls, the most modest of all people. Some souls are tinged with despair or a darkness I cannot help but notice, making them less attractive. I find myself naturally gravitating away from those souls.

I have seen a man with a soul so pristine that I want to get to know him. I have no idea how, it was a chance meeting to begin with. A “missed connection” on the spiritual level. I want to know what kind of self-talk he has. I want to know what kind of food he eats. I want to know what he drinks. I want to know everything about him, if only for the purpose of grooming my own soul just as brightly once again. (Let’s face it, we all fall and stumble from time to time.)

I have no right to speak to him. I have no right to think of him. I have nothing but a nagging inside of me that says I should pursue this in one manner or another. But how does one pursue something so transient? How does one actively attempt to engage a stranger? How does one do anything extroverted when one is simply an introvert that wants nothing to do with society at large?

I am at a loss. I can be myself or I can be someone else, but at the end of the day it matters not… not either way. Because, at the end of the day, there is no reason to strike up a conversation with that man, should I ever bump into him. I know I never shall, but I continue to hope beyond hope that one day I could have those answers. And, maybe, if I am cosmically lucky… maybe there could be more than a spiritual interview.

However, this requires ‘putting myself out there’, which has bitten me in the ass every time. I do not wish to do this anymore, especially not in the ways my brain is instructing me to behave. Thus, I am at a stalemate. I will never meet that man. It’s impossible. I can merely repeat the action I performed when I crossed paths with him ad nauseum and hope they cross again… on a day where I feel positive and extroverted enough to say words out loud.

Talk about a lose/lose situation.