Dear Future Husband: Thank you for your concern over whether or not I eat so I can go back to work. You’re a gem. I’m eating pepperoni pizza. Again. Without you. Spicy cup pepperoni, might I add, from your work place. Do you cut this yourself? Or is that someone else’s job? Hmm.
Also I decline to acknowledge your request to stop drinking coffee after 8:00 PM. Sorry, bro. You’re not here, I don’t care.
So… I’ve been getting re-acquainted with my stuff. Man, did I pack a lot of junk. To be fair, Wiloe packed just as much junk, so it’s the junk of two fools, but the stuff from like five people because ex-roommates abandon things, don’tchaknow?
Things like… a bean bag chair. I now have one chair. I don’t see my throne yet. My most amazing awesome bamboo chair that is literally a throne.
My cats love that chair, too. It was the only chair I chose to bring… Le sigh. I guess that bean bag chair my deadbeat ex-roomie packed will have to do. No back support, though. What does an invalid do with that shit? Give it to the cats, of course.
And buy another fucking chair after the moving company pays for the loss of it. It’s the only thing missing that I can tell so far.
My coloring books? Check. My crayons and markers and colored pencils? Check. My random stacks of newsprint and shit? Check! Fucking useful throne that makes me feel dainty? Fucked off into the aether. Unless it’s in the basement. I didn’t see it down there, but I’ll withhold my full wrath until I am positive it’s missing.
I’m excited! I found all my Christmas stuff. Never mind the holiday is done and gone for 2021 and this shit just arrived a few days ago. I’m going to put up my Christmas tree and make Valentine decorations to put on it, methinks. Stuff out of paper and cardboard, no doubt. I have a mountain of both.
I should make ‘gemstones’ out of construction paper and pretend I live in a dwarven mine. Though if I do that… I will need… an origami pickaxe. You know, to mine the gems with!
Hey future hubby, you should start putting a lil onion on your pizza. If I ever make you pizza, guess what’s going on it?! Also, you’ll only ever get any if you make us wings. ❤ Then I can put onion on my half of the pizza. ‘Hey, I thought you said you’d make me pizza!’ It’s every gamer for themselves in my household unless we both put in effort together.
I kinda went broke tipping the delivery drivers. I’m really grateful to them for working so hard in the dark and in the cold. I don’t mind so much. I applied for SSI and I know it’s hard to get approved the first time around but I have high hopes. If not, well, I’ll do what every other broken person does: get job after job to ultimately lose because I can’t go to work every day I’m scheduled.
God wants me to do something completely different, though. He wants me to make animal ears and hawk them through this blog. All the animal ears on Etsy are like $45.00+. We were thinking 15-20 a pop for our creations. ‘Or,’ God says, ‘A dime bag. But only if you’re one smooth operator.’
‘So no dime bags,’ Crystal concludes. ‘Got it.’ It’s okay. However, God says that I can do my job of bringing world peace faster if I have the cannabis in my possession. He’s probably right, being the divine entity of all existence and everything, but it’s mystifying how it correlates. I can’t bridge the gaps by myself.
You guys, can you help? Why on Earth would being stoned out of my mind be of benefit to all humankind? Wait, wait. I’m having an idea. Could it be because if I stop hating humankind, the rift might heal? The abyss we’ve created with our evil hater thoughts? Am I the tipping point? Or is it just that the dreamer of dreams is having bad dreams right now?
And sleepwalking, might I add. That’s kind of terrifying. I wake up and my bathroom light is off sometimes, or the toilet lid is up. I leave it down because flushing with it open spreads a lot of icky germs everywhere in the bathroom. It’s not that much better with the lid down, but it’s better, you know? I have a thing on my toothbrush, one of them shield things that kills bacteria, too. You should get one if you don’t have one. Or maybe store your toothbrush in the kitchen. Or wherever it’s more than ten feet away from a toilet.
Anyway, the point is, I wake up and things aren’t the way I left them when I went to bed. The first two times, I thought my father was invading my privacy. This time? I locked the fucking door. He doesn’t have a key. But my bathroom light that I always leave on was off when I woke up.
Creepy, right? I’ll find my night light very soon, I hope.
You know what’s stupid? How the cumulative value of a household can seem really high and yet be full of shit that nobody cares about, not even me, not really.
I’ve found plastic shelving units — oh wait, I do care about those. I’m an organizational freak and I’m not afraid to show it! Everything must have a home and be in its home or I get really irritable. In the case of things like scissors, I keep them in every room. You know why? I never lose them that way. I use them and put them back immediately. I use little jars or cups or those organizational things you can buy at The Dollar Tree… which now seems to be The Buck-Twenty-Five Tree.
It had to happen, right? Inflation! There’s no such thing, actually. It’s just ‘Breakable shit!’ versus ‘Not-so-breakable shit!’ in the long run. If what you have never breaks you never have to replace it. Free monies in your pocket! Just by buying a decent, reliable hunk o’ junk, like a really good cutting board or a heavy duty pot or pan made of steel or some such nonsense. I don’t know what they make it out of even though I have tons of kitchenware. It’s almost like… I’m a foodie, she whispers.
I mean, I got all the Gladware. Tupperware. Whatever-the-fuck-ware. Plastic boxes with lids. I got so much of this shit, you wouldn’t believe it. It’s cool. It helped make sure that almost none of the boxes I packed was more than 15 pounds. That’s right. I’m an invalid and I needed to move this shit around and around and around all by myself as I was packing. I can’t lift shit, so there we are. I had to maximize the space inside the boxes (and some totes, but most of those are dead) and make sure nothing was too heavy. The heaviest thing… hehehe… BOOKS. I tried to split them up between packages/containers/boxes/whatever so that they stayed light. The next heaviest thing? Glass stuff for the kitchen. You know, those casserole dishes. Man. I need to make me a casserole.
One of my favorite rando creations is as follows:
A bunch of cooked spaghetti
A bunch of meaty spaghetti sauce
Put this in a casserole dish
Top with as much mozzarella as you can stand
Top that with as much pepperoni as you can stand
If you ask me, this is a great way to jazz up leftover spaghetti. Not that I condone eating it anymore or I’m asking you to eat it, but it is a common poor folks’ dish and I know it. The other way you can make leftover spaghetti shine is by… adding… bacon.
I’m serious, yo! It makes it a whole new fucking meal on day two, especially if you got yourself some of them Hormel bacon bits. I used to buy it at Sam’s in a huge ass three pound bag of the shit. That’s when I had three roommates, though. Well, I also bought it a few times when I was the most likely consumer of said good, but, it went bad before I used it all up so I stopped buying it.
In fact, I can’t seem to find a reason to keep my Sam’s Club membership. If I could eat regular food, it would be easy to make it worthwhile. I’ve been a Sam’s Club member for 15 years. Their produce is okay but Wegmans’ is better. Fresher by a bit. If you are canning then yeah, Sam’s works. I’m not yet. I want to but I’m not there yet.
It’s still a struggle to keep the dishes done while unpacking curtains and blankets and towels that all need to be washed again from sitting in the stench of ex-roommate. That man smelled like chili. Old chili. Rotten chili. It was pungent as hell and my cats hate it. They don’t like that guy.
I don’t blame them. Not now. The whole idea was that he would support me here in Erie while I get back on my feet. And what did he do? He went home to Mommy and threw a temper tantrum at me when his shit never arrived and started buying it all again at Mommy’s. Now Mommy wants his SSI because he’s being frivolous and spending it on toys instead of grown up things. Although, to be fair, she’d spend it on toys, too.
He ghosted me, y’all. He was going to let me manage his income for the both of us in a rent-free environment. It would have worked, I assure you. I am a master of making the most of out of anything that comes my way. But he didn’t like that I said I would budget buying back the art shit that we lost during the move. That’s the whole reason he went ape on me, ghosted me, and in the meanwhile got pissed off at me for the faux pas of the moving company! As if I have any control over where my shit is once it’s in their care! As if I didn’t just lose my entire life alongside him.
As if my entire life was worthless to him.
I figured out that it is. Worthless. To him.
Thanks, Wiloe. You’re a gem. I hope you die in a fucking fire. Signed, God.
God’s a bit angry with him, I can see that now. I think you can, too. That really sucks. That God guy, he’s like… the supreme being of righteousness. He knows what is righteous and what is not, so I defer to him. He is the master of all reality, if you ask me. And he’s my friend who is very smartly and has great plans. When I am sad, he gives me hugs. When I am mad, he lets me rant and then makes me laugh. Oh wait, it’s the other way around. Crystal doesn’t really get mad. She gets even. But me? I like to rant and then she makes me laugh so that I stop being so fucking angry at you humans.
And that’s exactly why she needs that cannabis, actually. So she can stop being angry and spend her time making me laugh. It’ll make me feel better about the rest of you shit stains that continuously ignore the facts in front of your fucking faces:
This planet is headed to the death zone. It’s most of the way there. Especially if you don’t clean up all that radiation somehow, don’t you think? How is it that scientists can pull things out of the Earth that poison the entire population of the plants and animals of Earth and the rest of you carry on as if nothing is amiss. Not one thing!
You should be deeply concerned. What if Eternals does happen? What if a world-wide earthquake occurs and knocks out a nuclear power plant? What if Chernobyl II comes to haunt you next? There’s nuclear power on every continent. You cannot escape it. What if I do it just because I’m pissed off? Crystal already offered to die for the greatest good of all involved. Would you?
No, of course not. You’re a selfish bastard. Why would you do anything to help your fucking neighbor? Especially you fuckers that are sitting around with a pair of binoculars watching her unpack her items, one by one, watching for something worth stealing. There isn’t anything there worth stealing! That is the glory of this child.
Did you miss the part where she talked about making a dwarven mine out of paper? She uses her imagination rather than surrounding herself with expensive bullshit. Sure, she had a couple games and a couple gaming systems. So do you, you know. Maybe we should come into your apartment and steal your Xbox 360 and Wii and PS2. Oh, wait, you don’t want that?
‘Wait, how can she possibly know what’s in our fucking apartment, Joe?’
God knows, dip shits. Remember the time she pulled out a little piece of decor and she kind of looked right at you, showing it off in the bare minimum of light in her apartment? Then she waved? Yeah. We can read your fucking minds, idiot. Let’s turn this around. Let’s spin it. You have things worth stealing, oh 2nd floor apartment across the street. You have a lot more things worth stealing than we do.
We prize things like coloring books and carpets. You have how many video games again? CDs? Movies? A DVD player that’s also a Blu-Ray player? How many Blu-Rays do you have? What about that 4k TV? And your computer with two monitors? The video gaming computer, might I add? Oh don’t forget the fancy ass controllers you bought for it. And a veritable fortune in HDMI cables, to boot. Your dog is no match for God, by the way, plus you leave with him on occasion. We’ve seen it happen with our own eyes. Besides, dogs like Crystal. All animals do. He’d lay down and just go to sleep while she robbed you (if she was like you.)
Thank goodness, she’s not. However, a lot of people are going to read this and eventually figure out where she lives. Maybe you should move. That’s right. Just move. Get out. Go somewhere else with your binoculars and spy on new people having sex with their curtains open.
Did I mention we’re very happy to have gotten our curtains now? I can’t wait to put ’em up since my neighbors are skeezy bastards. And some day, I’d like to have sex everywhere in that apartment. I’m not there right now, I’m taking a break.
You guys! I found my fancy ass shower head! I am so excited. I missed this thing. Plus, I think my elderly parents will enjoy being able to sit on a plastic stool and take a real shower. I don’t think I have any aerators for the faucets, so I’ll have to get those soon. I’m on a mission to reduce the water waste from doing things like taking a shower. My mom is paying like $60/month on that shit, that’s too much. I was paying that per quarter in the house I owned once upon a time. That’s crazy.
What happened to the house? I basically gave it away. I was too sick to deal with it and I made a bargain with my neighbors that if they would take over the monthly mortgage and fix it up nice, it’s theirs. And they took the deal. If they can afford it, they’ll buy it. If they can’t afford it, some day they’ll just be at $0 owed on the mortgage and I will go put my name on the title.
‘What about the money!?!’ Who the fuck cares? I’m alive, that’s all that matters. Nobody was there to help me (except God and, for a short time, Wiloe — although his help was almost more of a hindrance in the end) and I had to do what I had to do to get the fuck out. To crawl back home on my belly like a snake, slithering too and fro because my arms and legs didn’t work — did you miss the part where everything was dislocated? Yeah, that fucking hurt. Like a BITCH. And I told my doctor. And she ignored me. Totally not happy. Totally never using a doctor again.
Not for money. I’ll trade goods and services, thank you very much. All they ever do is prescribe death anyway. They are managing symptoms, not curing ailments. Me? I’d rather cure the ailment, find the root cause and eradicate it.
Let me tell you why you feel like this:
NIGHTSHADES. DAIRY. SUGAR. GLUTEN. KIDNEY BEANS. EGGS. MEAT THAT IS HATED BEFORE BUTCHERED, AND THEN HATED WHILE BEING BUTCHERED. PRODUCE THAT RECEIVES NO LOVE. JERKY. CEREAL. GRAINS. BAMBOO. BREAD. PIZZA CRUST. ANYTHING WITH TOO MUCH OF A BINDING AGENT IN IT. GUESS WHAT IT BINDS WITH, CHILD? YOUR INTESTINES. IN A VERY UNPLEASANT WAY. VINEGAR AND ACIDS ARE OF NO HELP HERE, AS WELL. TYLENOL ABUSE. CHOCOLATE. DAIRY — AGAIN. DAIRY!!!!!! STOP BUYING THE MOTHERFUCKING MILK, BUTTER, EGGS, BREAD COMBO YOU FIND AS A STAPLE. THAT’S MOSTLY IN AMERICA, BY THE WAY. STOP BUYING PURIFIED AND DISTILLED WATER AS YOUR ONLY DRINKING WATER. IT’S LEECHING THE NUTRIENTS YOU DO GET OUT OF YOUR BODY VERY QUICKLY AND MAKING YOU ILL. MAPLE SYRUP. GIVE IT UP. HONEY — IT’S RUDE TO DISTURB THE BEES. YOU KNOW, THOSE BEES THAT ARE FUCKING DYING LEFT AND RIGHT THANKS TO ALL THE SHIT YOU PUT ON EVERYTHING? PESTICIDES. GO ORGANIC OR GO HOME IN A BODY BAG. ICE CREAM IS YOUR ENEMY, EVEN THE FAKE STUFF. COLD FOODS REROUTE YOUR BLOOD STREAM OVER TIME TO STRENGTHEN IT AROUND THE STOMACH INSTEAD OF BRINGING HEAT TO THE REST OF THE BODY. INSTEAD OF BRINGING ADEQUATE NUTRIENTS TO THE NERVES THROUGHOUT YOUR BODY. COCONUT IS OVERUSED BY FAR. IT’S ONE OF THOSE TREE NUTS PEOPLE ARE ALLERGIC TO, AS WELL, YOU KNOW. TECHNICALLY, ALMOND IS OVERDONE, AS WELL. YOU SHOULD BE STRIVING FOR A DIVERSE DIET FULL OF SO MANY NUTRIENTS YOU CAN’T EVEN SHAKE A STICK AT IT. YOU SHOULD BE EATING DIFFERENT FOOD EVERY DAY. THAT’S HARD TO DO WHEN YOU ONLY SHOP ONCE A WEEK OR TWICE A MONTH, ISN’T IT? ‘OH, BUT SHOPPING TAKES FOREVER!’ I DON’T AGREE. CRYSTAL IS IN AND OUT IN 20 MINUTES. SHE KNOWS HER STORE, SHE DOESN’T BOTHER TO GO TO TEN DIFFERENT STORES TO BE SUPER PARTICULAR ABOUT SINGULAR ITEMS — THAT’S A HEINOUS WASTE OF FOSSIL FUELS, IF YOU ASK ME, GOD — SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE WANTS, WHERE IT IS, AND HOW MUCH SHE WANTS, PRETTY MUCH. SHE EVEN KNOWS IN THE BACK OF HER MIND HOW MUCH IT COSTS. EVEN SO, SHE DOESN’T CARE — HER FIRST PRIORITY IS FOOD. SHE NEVER BUDGETS FOOD. THAT IS THE ONE THING THAT DOES NOT GET BUDGETED. SHE’LL BUY THINGS ON SALE THE BEST SHE CAN, SHE’LL GO WITHOUT THOSE SILLY SNICKERDOODLES SHE LOVES SO MUCH TO STRETCH THE BUDGET, SHE’LL ALSO TRY CHEAPER THINGS TO SEE IF THEY WORK JUST AS WELL AS THE EXPENSIVE THINGS. SOMETIMES, THEY DO. SOMETIMES THEY’RE BETTER. IN FACT, WEGMANS ‘FAKE CHEESE’ IS BETTER THAN DAIYA ‘FAKE CHEESE.’ “HOW CAN THAT POSSIBLY BE?!” THEY CRY OUT IN UNISON. I’LL TELL YOU — WEGMANS DOESN’T USE XANTHAN GUM AS A BINDER. THEIR ANSWER IS TO USE A REAL FOOD INSTEAD OF SOME MYSTICAL, MAGICAL WANNABE FOOD THAT DOES STUPID SHIT TO THE FOOD. AND INSTEAD OF TRYING TO MAKE IT MELT NICE, THEY MAKE IT TASTE GOOD. I CANNOT SAY THE SAME FOR DAIYA. HAVE YOU EVER OPENED A PACKAGE OF THAT SHIT AND EATEN IT STRAIGHT FROM THE PACKAGE? IT’S FOUL BEFORE IT’S COOKED. IS THAT REALLY FOOD? SORRY, BRO, YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE THE HEALTH FOOD ROUTE INSTEAD OF THE ‘IMITATION CHEESE’ ROUTE, TRYING TO CONVINCE PEOPLE THEY’RE EATING CHEESE WHEN THEY AREN’T. NOBODY BELIEVES THAT SHIT IS REAL CHEESE, NO MATTER HOW LONG YOU SPEND IMITATING IT. THE REALLY SHOCKING PART CRYSTAL FOUND WAS THAT IF YOU LOOK UP VEGAN CHEESE RECIPES ONLINE, ‘CHEDDAR CHEESE’ TRADITIONALLY CALLS FOR NUTRITIONAL YEAST. FAKE CHEDDAR CHEESE FROM THE STORE? THAT’S NOT IN THERE. NOPE.
DON’T FORGET THAT CITRIC ACID THAT’LL BITE YOU IN THE ASSHOLE. LITERALLY. IT’S EATING YOUR COLON RIGHT NOW, AS WE SPEAK.
WEGMANS ‘MOZZARELLA’ CHEESE INGREDIENTS: Mozzarella Style Plant Based Cheese (Water, Modified Food Starch, Coconut Oil, Sea Salt, Fava Bean Protein, Natural Flavor, Calcium Phosphate, Color [Turmeric Oleoresin, Annatto Extract]), Pea Starch (added to prevent caking).
WEGMANS ‘CHEDDAR’ CHEESE INGREDIENTS: Cheddar Style Plant Based Cheese (Water, Modified Food Starch, Coconut Oil, Natural Flavor, Sea Salt, Color [Paprika Oleoresin, Turmeric & Annatto Extracts]), Pea Starch (added to prevent caking).
WEGMANS ‘PARMESAN’ CHEESE INGREDIENTS: Parmesan Style Plant Based Cheese (Water, Modified Food Starch, Coconut Oil, Salt, Natural Flavor, Yeast Extract, Color [Turmeric Oleoresin, Annatto Extract]), Pea Starch (added to prevent caking).
WHAT IS THIS? FOOD? REAL FOOD? WHOA!
ANYWAY, MY GIRL IS GETTING TIRED OF RANTING NOW. I’LL TAKE A BREAK FOR HER SAKE.
‘Thank you, God,’ we say. Sansara and Crystal both. And maybe even you.
This is what God and I will dance to in the restaurant at the end of the universe:
[Therion — O Fortuna]